A Question of Sensitivity

Here’s a question that came up at one of my “Communicating with Young People” presentations:

Question:

“What’s the best way to approach sensitive issues, such as sexual abuse or rape?”

My response:

This has always been a difficult aspect of working with young people, particularly for those who are new to the field. It can be an extremely uncomfortable experience to sit with an adolescent -- perhaps as young as 12 or 13 -- and discuss very grown-up issues such as sexual abuse, prostitution, or rape, or even less weighty but equally sensitive issues such as hygiene. It is a natural instinct to want to soften the issue by speaking indirectly, or peppering the conversation with kind euphemisms. The reality, however, is that doing so is really an act of protecting ourselves, not the young person we are working with.

You should always remember why you are having the conversation in the first place. The reason is that the sensitive issue you are discussing is a part of the young person’s experience. It may be unfortunate that they have had such experiences, but -- bottom line -- they have. When we talk to them about these issues we are not discussing some abstract concept, we are discussing their lives. By speaking indirectly or using euphemisms, we end up communicating two messages that we may not intend.

The first message is that what has happened to them is so horrible that we can’t even discuss it. The likely result is that we leave them feeling tainted, damaged, and shamed. That’s not our intention; we want to make things better. But these issues are now a part of them. If we can’t even talk about it, what does that say about them?

The second message has to do with what it says about us. When we demonstrate that we can’t even say the words, we inadvertently communicate that we can’t handle the reality of their lives. Young people will quickly pick up on this, and begin to ‘protect’ us by not sharing the parts of their lives that we’ve shown an inability to deal with. Instead of becoming a resource and support, we slowly become a burden -- someone who they need to take care of by being careful about what they will share.

Sometimes our response adds anger to the list of emotions that they are dealing with. We once had a streetwork team dealing with a recent rape victim. The team accompanied her to the hospital and waited with her for a rape advocate to arrive. The whole time they were with her, one of the workers kept euphemistically referring to the rape as ‘the incident’ -- were you injured during the incident, did anyone witness the incident? Finally, the young women lashed out in anger, shouting – “Dammit! I didn’t have ‘an incident.’ I was raped!”

I am not suggesting that you callously use the most graphic terminology available to you. I am suggesting, however, that you confront these issues in a direct, straightforward manner. Remember that you’re not talking about anything that they haven’t lived. If you communicate that you can’t even say the words, you are unlikely to be seen as someone who can help.

For related information, read the article “Tough Talk” in my Online Library (link above).